Two Sides

Look around yourself, find an object that is one sided. None, right? Every thing that surrounds you has minimim two or multiple sides. So, how can a story or incident reported by a friend, colleage or family member be taken as full truth?

Yet, in every situation when there is a conflict between people, we listen to one side of the story and believe it to be true. We block the other side, nay believe it does not exist. We fill the one side that we are associated with imaginary stories of betrayal and backstabbing by the other party. We love the act of consoling and being there for each other and hence, our prime goal is to console by offering choiciest abuses and manufactured malintentions to make the other side look brutal than usual.

If we were to look on the other side, understand their point of view and then bring both sides together we can be peacemakers. But that is hard. You have to let go of your ego. Look small and humble to access both parties. Hence, we stick to the ego boosting exercise of "I told you so", "I knew him/her from the beginning", "You poor gullible thing, totally believed" etc. We hold power in the situation. Power of being a well-wisher, sympathiser, friend in need. However, we let the person who hinges their trust in us to believe in imaginary stories. We discourage them from confronting the situation and finding out the real truth, even if it means keeping their ego aside. We block them from the truth which can bring lasting peace and maintaing a relationship intact.

Look back and see how many situations you have played that role of fake consoling. Maybe you have been the courageous, ego-less one who encouraged the other to find the truth and make peace. Your choices matter and make you who you are. Given a choice today, who would you like to be? 

Purpose of Life

Questioning the purpose of life after a long time. Reason, I lost my high paying, comfort giving job recently. We all start off our adult life wanting to be something or someone. We align our education and jobs to meet that goal. As long as the life is comfortable and we are happy, we go on. Sometime losing the original purpose for which we set out in the first place. 

Occasionally we introspect. Especially when the life stops being as joyful as it used to be or the financial or job security at stake. That is happening to me right now.

Eversince I lost job, I have lost a part of me. Feels like there is a death. Yes, death of my identity. Death of my passion had long occured when I was not getting joy from working but was just dragging my feet for financial security and want of better choices. Now, it is time to rethink and it is very painful.

It is almost like purpose of life is to pay bills, EMI's, earn for basic needs. And if all that happens while the job at hand is joyful and gives meaning then all the more better. Wondering which is primary, job satisfaction or survival?

Checking back what gives me joy...as a child being in village agriculture household was joyful. Surrounded by greenery, trees and water, harvesting vegetables all that was joy. But as I grew up, I knew that would not fetch me the income, nor the prestige or status. Everyone was running after education and life in cities which offers all the comforts and I did that too. Once I came to city, I got addicted to its compforts and it is very hard to imagine yourself anywhere other than your comfortable city life. To keep it going, you have to work hard and find places that will pay you well to cover all the bills and then you get ambitious behind bigger package.

I cannot say I did not enjoy my work life. Since I selected social work as my profession, my job was helping people. I did have fun in all the work I did. There was that component of connecting with people, working on empowerment, training and influencing people for behaviour change. It never felt like work rather a passion most of the time. Only when there were petty bosses or office politics or job insecurity is when I felt low. But work per se always gave me utmost satisfaction and I have achieved a lot.

Now, the part is to find another cause or a place with social mission to connect with community and get my livelihood and package to meet my urban comforts of my family. So the hunt continues....

Ego-less mothers are the key for human species survival

 For the survival of human species, God created the mothers with qualities like kindness, empathy, forgiveness and above all less ego. If our mothers were to take offence with our tantrums, rebellion, insults and humiliation and decided to punish us without giving us food or safety, human generations would have very low chances of survival.

I realised this today as I was having an argument with my now young adult son. From teenage years he has been putting up some airs about him. Always resisting any idea or insight offered to him, belittling it by saying my generation does not understand their needs and values. This is a constant and we have disagreements ending in deciding not to have any further conversations. Yet, the next minute I appear on his room door with his breakfast or some eatables that I think are his favourite. 

Then I also realised, it is not just him. I too have been the same with my mom. Always resisting, fighting and putting her down and her ideas and opinions as outdated and yet she continued the caring and loving act. That is what made me to think, that it is inborn. It is put in there with a purpose by the creator for the survival of our species!

However, if both mothers and children were to understand that they need each other and the going can be smooth by offering some kind words and understanding rather than resistance and fighting, life can be much more beautiful and fun. What do you think?

 

The Sunset

What a beautiful sunset exclaimed Reshma who had come to the terrace to collect dry clothes. She came to the edge of the wall and the cool breeze mesmerized her. She could notice the birds on nearby trees making unique noises. It almost felt like she was getting in touch with a part of herself which was lost. Yes, lost to self, in the rush of coping with the ups and downs of her life.....

For the past one year, she had no time to take note of her surroundings. It felt like she was living out of her own mind, engrossed in anger, fear, guilt and anxiety for her future.

She was coping with her separation, caring for her daughter as a single parent, working at a private firm to support the economic needs and household chores. Not just that. She was constantly dealing with snide remarks by relatives, advise by friends, neighbors and relatives. Today's sunset was saying something to her, breeze was whispering in her ears...are good days on their way? she wondered.

The peace and calmness of that evening was disturbed by her daughter's calling. She was looking for her as it was time for her tuition classes. Reshma came back to reality and quickly collected the clothes and went down to deal with her daily routine. 

After dropping her daughter off at tuition class, she picked up vegetables for the dinner and got busy with cooking. Today, her mind started reflecting on her life. She was living with her elder sister's family, post her separation. She had a job and had to support her only daughter who was eight. The responsibility and future uncertainties would make her shudder most of the time. She felt hopeless mostly.

Her husband Vineet's picture came to her mind and she felt mixed feelings. He was a kind person and she always felt he loved her. However, in the entire commotion of family drama, she had forgotten to notice all of it clearly. She could not have a clear opinion about Vineet still. She was married 9 years ago and had her daughter one year after marriage. As she was living with Vineet's family, there was hardly any time for the couple to get to know each other well. Vineet fulfilled all the obligations of a husband as he earned and provided for the family. He would not interfere in the daily household affairs which were controlled by his mother. Dynamics between his mother, sister and wife were beyond his thinking. He always tried to ignore it till it became unbearable. His usual response would be to leave home and come back later when all are asleep. Next day, he would leave early trying to keep himself off the fights.

Knowing his nature, Reshma would initially leave him out and tried to cope with it herself. However, when things were getting out of control, she wanted Vineet to side with her, as she knew she was right. Vineet however, did not want to have anything to do with what he thought "Women's catfights". This pushed Reshma to depression. She was lost. Her sister Tara was her only solace in this. She would dish out her daily frustrations with her over phone. Tara would counsel her and ask her to be strong and not give into the demands of her in laws. When Reshma was in psychological distress, Tara decided to take Reshma to her own place and support her till domestic issues got sorted out at Vineet's place.

However, this step was viewed as extreme by Vineet's family and they asked Vineet to cut all ties with Reshma who did this to malign their family pride. Vineet silently followed the decree of his mother, whom he never talked back even once. 

Reshma was in the midst of an uncertain future. She had no way of knowing what Vineet felt. She was upset with him for not fighting for her and their only daughter. She had no respect left for him. Her sister Tara and her family were kind to her and took care of her and daughter well. She felt indebted to them and would go to any extent to serve them. She would mostly engage herself in all the household chores and ensured her sister had sufficient time to rest after work while she herself would slog.

Almost a year had passed in this condition and Reshma almost felt shut out from the outside world. Today's sunset had woken her up. 

She cannot let days pass like this. She was not going to be a silent spectator to her own life passing by.  She had to take charge and make things happen. For that, she need to know what she wants first. Currently her wants were so mangled up with that of what her sister wants, what society wants etc, that she could not think clearly.

She needed some space, some quiet hours, a pen and a notepad to download her own thoughts that were clogged in her mind. That night, she put her daughter to sleep and then sat with her notepad and pen. She did not know where to start or what to write. Unconsciously her fingers moved and she wrote "A peaceful, fulfilled life with family"

Yes, she had to fight for her family which is Vineet, her daughter Vibha and herself. She had no idea how to fulfill this. Thinking deep, she fell asleep. Next morning she completed her housework and dropped her daughter to school. When she reached her workplace, she smiled at the girl in the reception consciously. She noticed the girl in the reception had a picture of cute girl on her desk. She stopped to ask about her and was happy to note that Receptionist Salma's daughter Zara too was 8 years old. 

During the lunch hour, she thought of being a bit more engaged with her colleagues than usual. She always had a mask on her as she feared the colleagues may get into unnecessary details of her personal life. Today, she felt the need to open up. She paid attention to what others were saying. Nisha as usual was sharing her travel stories which other's listened with envy. Lola was sharing her boyfriend stories while Smitha generously shared her recipies. That would leave Reshma and Sara out from most of the active conversations and they were relieved.

Today Reshma engaged Sara in a conversation regarding her daughter and Sara seemed very happy to share some beautiful moments she shares with her daughter and she seemed very pleased. Reshma too shared about her son's favourite games and the team quickly finished their lunch.

On her way back Reshma tried to catch a glimpse of the sunset from the bus. She felt a kind of a friendship between them. Setting sun seem to have challenged her for exploring more from her life. She felt ready for persuing this challenge. 

Along with purchasing vegetables in the market, this time, she purchased a note pad and pen. She wanted to jot down her feelings and what is her possible way out from this situation. This created a kind of excitement in her body and she felt new energy pumping into her. Her mind was fully focused on creating a new reality for her and her family....

Waves of change were splashing her shore now, she could feel it deep in her being. Will she be bold enough to ride those waves and create a new reality? Wait for the next episode of this story....

 

Am I the keeper of my brother/Sister?

 

"Am I the keeper of my brother?", this is the statement I found in Old Testament, when Cain answers God after murdering his brother Abel.

I have quite an opposite experience to share from my life. When I was 9 year old, my youngest sister was born as the 5th girl child in the family. It was a jolt for all neighborhood and well-wishers who were eagerly looking for a boy at least this time. I am sure my parents had their own emotions to deal with, which I was too young to understand at that point.

Babies are fun irrespective of their gender,we adored her. Unfortunately, when she was about 3-4 months she was declared born blind. This was a shock which was more profound than her bring a girl. When several Doctors declared that nothing can be done, one of the well-known ophthalmologist suggested that there is a ray of home as the child may get vision when reaching puberty. I am not sure if there was any scientific backing to that or he was just trying to pacify my distraught parents.

We held on to this hope and started praying for her sight, while my baby sister grew angelic, playful and normal in all other aspects. Being an older sister, I was highly protective of her. I developed a special bond with my sister. I resisted when people pitied her and at that very young age, with hardly any information on the ways to empower persons with disability, I decided to make her as capable as me and even more. Coming from a village, our family had not much exposure to her special requirements. Only advice my parents kept getting was to send her away to a residential school meant for blind children in a far off city. My parents were adamant and decided to take care of her and provide her all comforts within the family. The hope statement from the Doctor was always at the back of their mind. With our prayers, we were almost sure she will not remain blind for long. The only other thing my parents thought of doing was to save some money for her future.

As my schooling progressed, I took great interest and care in teaching her everything about life and our surroundings. I would build her world by giving her exposure to a tactile world, using her other senses to touch, feel and understand the world around her. I would take her along everywhere, make her play, feel and do things which would make her feel engaged and happy. We all were so proud of her small achievements and hoped one day she will regain her sight. 

We encouraged her to attend a nursery school, where she was best in reciting rhymes and socializing with other kids. When no normal schools agreed to give her admission for 1st grade, we had to retain her at nursery for the next 3 years, end of which she was almost performing the role of a teacher. This annoyed the school inspectors and they asked her not to come to school as she is above the prescribed age for the nursery. That was the saddest day for all of us. We had no choice but to retain her at home. I took extra care to engage her and teach her after my school hours and we grew very close and inseparable. My mind would work hard to find ways to teach her without using sight. I would come up with plans and methods to teach her things in a way she would understand. It would amaze me how she was able to recognize around 20-25 variety of trees in the forest near our home by feeling the barks. Her memory was an asset, so was her intelligence.

Turning point came when I took up Masters in Social Work for my post graduation. Though, I had to leave home to pursue this course, I was sure this can help me find some solutions for my sister's needs. College Principal guided me to meet a visually impaired person behind our campus who lived independently and was a teacher. This visit helped me discuss my concerns and find many new solutions. I would eagerly wait for visiting home on weekends and download what I have learnt to my sister. She too was very eager and happy to follow the advice and one such advice was to learn and do stuff around the house, help in household chores which my parents never thought was possible for her. We had to change their perception and my sister was persistent and followed every bit of the advice. By the time I visited her next week, she was 10 steps ahead and had some more questions for me. I would act as a messenger and motivator and with this we engaged fully in her rehabilitation process. By now, we knew the Doctors advice was a myth and we had to focus on actions than just prayers.

My quest for institutions led me to Bangalore and I explored different options. On this one point though I was in agreement with my parents as we did not want her to be institutionalized. We had known several cases where after institutionalizing at  young age the bond between family members grows weak and the child gets forgotten. While we wanted the expertise from organisations to reach her, we had the challenge of reaching that expertise to the village which was far away from the city. We found a four month long independent living course in the city. Getting my parents to agree on such a move was mammoth. My friend and classmate from the city helped me to find some solutions. The founder of the NGO where independent living course was offered was visually impaired. So we decided to expose my parents to her and invited her to visit my parents in their village. She readily agreed.  After scolding me for this misadventure and raising false hopes of my sister who was increasingly becoming rebellious now, they reluctantly agreed to send her. I was sternly warned that it will be only four months and no more. Our joy had no bounds. 

Those four months were such crucial time for her life. Knowing that this is her best chance to learn, she absorbed everything like a sponge and was the darling of all staff and students in the institution. I was amazed to see her growth. Now my sister had a larger group of supporters backing her. Each one was offering a different option of continuing school, but none was suitable for my parents need of keeping her at home under their care and protection. We planned and plotted to work around these conditions.

End of 4 months my sister was very confident, independent and returned home. Though my parents were happy to notice the change, they did not want to say it aloud as it may encourage us on a new adventure of taking her out again. We were not the ones to give up. We kept at it and found a residential school which could make my sister learn Braille in a year, post which she could pursue her studies at any normal school. With another uphill task of convincing parents, she finally moved to the new school. As expected the transition was not very smooth. She was used to comforts and well cared for at home, we had to deal with those small but important aspects for her adjustment. We could pay, but the school could not differentiate for one student. My sister tried her best to cope as she wanted to move ahead in life. Often times did not report all hardships for fear of withdrawal from school. As a result she developed a health condition and my parents blamed me for pushing  her into such a situation. By the time we pulled her out of this school, she was an expert on braille, math and had covered portions on fast track till 4th standard, thanks to the support of school teachers. 

At this point, the plan was clear, to get her admitted to a school nearby home. Though I was a old student at most of these schools, they gave several excuses and were closed to any such experiments. We had to get creative on finding solutions. So, convinced a Special School in nearby town to allow her to write 7th standard exam after home schooling. They agreed to this arrangement and enrolled her to take the exam. Home schooling was tough, but with my sisters burning desire to excel and the support of an entire family behind she conquered yet another milestone. Newspapers reported her writing her exam with the help of a scribe.  Her exam results amazed everyone. She had not just completed 7th but with flying colors. With no regular schooling this achievement was incredible. Everyone had to admit that she had in her to excel in anything she sets her mind into. 

Once more, we were hunting for High schools around our village for admission and same disappointment awaited us. There was no law to admit and hence, schools could get away with rejecting to admit.  Given her track record, we thought of one more short cut. We enrolled her directly for 10th exam through open schooling. Nearby high school this time agreed to let her sit in the classroom and listen to the classes with the riders that no extra effort solicited from teachers.  Yet again, she excelled in her 10th exam. This was followed with many awards and felicitations. She attracted a lot of media attention and was talk of the town in a short span of 2 years. She was the first Braille newsreader and got State level award for achievement.

We decided to give her a full-time education for Pre-University at a normal, highly reputed college. She got through and moved to the hostel, lived as equal among her peers and once more excelled in her studies. She was bold and forthright and was admired by her lecturers, classmates and hostel mates alike. She has a strong personality and never give up attitude. On weekends, we would meet and engage in serious conversations on various subjects. As I was working for a funding agency supporting the causes of persons with disability, I had access to resources and information and organisations which would also benefit her.

By now our entire family was rallying behind her. She decided to do her graduation in fine arts and moved back to the town near our village and stay as a residential student. This too was a first time a visually impaired student was enrolled for graduation in that institution. She did well wherever she went. Every first has several challenges dealing with procedures and mindsets, which she coped well. The mindset we helped her develop was that "expect hardships, as this is rare for the people around you. They are acting out of their ignorance". This helped and she left a lasting positive impression on those people and institutions she associated with.

Getting into gainful employment was our next challenge. Mobility was another aspect we had to address and we had our own fears letting her navigate the city on her own. I would feel anxious and nightmarish when she was attending mobility classes. Will she be left alone on the roads, will she be safe, will she meet with and accident, what about stray animals etc. I had seen many cane users on busy city roads and feel how helpless they are. It was time for me to change my thinking. An NGO staff told me not to visualize her world from my point of view. "You have seen the world with your eyes and you cannot imagine how she is navigating her world. As she is born blind she navigates her world with sounds and other senses and you need to allow her that freedom to explore" and that made me change. Yes, she was not me. I cannot look at her world from my eyes. She was growing and she has her own way of looking at things and I got to listen and understand. With that advise, I took a back seat and let her drive her life forward. My mode of engagement with her changed. I listened to her more now. She had developed her own set of advisers, friends and peers who were also offering her different solutions. I was firmly backing her, but gave space so she could find her voice and path.

She decided to learn computers and Medical Transcription and got a job. Now I had exposure to her work world and how she was navigating it. Living in a Paying Guest, commuting for work and fun, outings with friends, earning, saving, spending etc. I was a good listener and always nudge her thinking. We were great friends, inspiring each other. I was glad she had a whole community of organisations and individuals and family supporting her and I had my space to focus on my own family and career.

Within 2 years she was bored of Medical Transcription job. She then started attempting bank exams. All through these times she was backed by strong mentors and advisers who made it easy for her. She got selected for bank, moved from clerical to officer. She had a house of her own and started looking for a life partner. We would debate this and she would share experiences of her other married friends. My exposure to her world was expanding. She had made friends with very strong and confident women with disabilities in her PG, workplace and she would back her arguments with their experiences. Occasionally I would feel she is making wrong choices and she would be adamant and there would be arguments, but soon we would be back to normal. I felt helpless when she asked me to look for a suitable life partner for her. 

I widened her options, nudged her to look for creative solutions and now the technology was her savior. I was getting busy with my own career, family and loads of personal stuff. Technology was her strength. She could connect with people, explore options, advertise in matrimonial sites and scan possible suitors. It was tough as guys who would be interested seeing her profile picture would back off the minute they hear about her disability. It was tough, yet she persisted and was triumphant there too.

She completed her Post graduation, was working as a bank official and found her life partner. It took so many years and her grand wedding was an eye opener for the people in our village as to how a visually impaired person can live a normal life with right guidance, support and belief. She continues to set high goals for herself and is raising her daughter and is excelling as a career woman and a well balanced family person. How many more feathers can we add to her already loaded cap! She deserves all the credit for believing in herself and marching forward.

Yes, in this journey, I have been my "Sister's keeper" and at times our lives almost seemed inseparable. She has been my best teacher! 

 By Lavina Cardoza

"Husband in the Attic & Wife in the showcase"

Let me explain....As per popular saying "Marriages are made in heaven" and to be lived on earth. If you have a fulfilling marriage, definitely you experience heaven on earth. Not all are privileged.

In most cases, the intensity of emotions, bonding may be strong initially and may wear out as years pass by, leading to my analogy "Husband in the Attic & Wife in the showcase".

We all have stuff stored in our attic. Usually the stuff that is not required for immediate use gets stored in the attic  (may be in modern homes, we may call them storage places beyond everyday reach). We all know such stuff is lying around somewhere if the need comes we can retrieve it. It may have wear and tear due to its idle condition. However, there is a mental relief that we have it somewhere and have not lost it. Similarly the case of husband in attic. They exist, not very functional but if need arise, you could retrieve and use them. Need could be social gatherings, children's education related events etc.

Now about the showcase. We all love to keep our best looking artifacts, antics etc. in showcases. These are for display only and do not have real functional value. When visitors come, they appreciate the stuff in our showcases and may enquire about those artifacts, which may bring back our memories of how we acquired them, when and from where. We may feel proud and happy sharing the story with those people. Yet, once the visitors are out of the door, we know we are back to normal and the pieces in showcase remain static. We have nothing to do with them. Similarly in some homes, a wife may have lost the functional value of emotional comfort and be a pure show piece for the man in the house. However, her value in terms of offering all the housekeeping services and home management including regular cooking, caring will never seize. Which is anyway, not acknowledged or appreciated.

Many homes may have this arrangement. Yet the fact that people can co exist without fighting or arguing and giving space for each other is amazing. I am not the one to judge and say if this is good or bad. Not all things in life have to be segregated in those two categories. Life can be lived in any fashion suitable to the person living it. Peace and harmony must prevail at all costs!

Story of Two Sheep...

Once there lived two sheep on a farm. Farm was green and filled with goodies. The two sheep were well cared for and adored by the farmer family. It was beautiful morning and the sheep were grazing on the misty grass, when the kids came around and in usual playful mood started chasing them around. They had named the sheep "Snowy" and "Fluffy".  

Though they both looked alike and were of similar age, kids seem to like Fluffy better than Snowy as Snowy preferred to be left alone. Fluffy loved the attention and responded to kids playful joy by jumping and bleating. Once the children left them on their own, Snowy as usual reprimanded Fluffy for being a sport and accommodating the little human's fancies. She always considered humans as enemies and could not trust them for she had heard from her mother about the tricks they play and the purpose of their being raised in farms. Snowy came from a big farm where she had heard and seen sheep's being taken for slaughter. Fluffy, on the other hand was unaware of any such stories and was living life in ignorance of such facts.

Despite Snowy' s regular reminders and stories about humans, Fluffy could only base her judgement on what she saw and experienced. All she saw through her short life so far on that farm was love and care and hence she ignored Snowy' s version. For now they were just eating and getting fatter in their own ways.

When time came to slaughter a sheep for the festival, parents had a quick discussion and obviously Snowy was the first target as her popularity in comparison to Fluffy was lower. Though it was a painful decision on part of the kids to lose one of their playmates, they were learning to imitate their elders. 

Next morning when the whole farm was asleep, farmer came and tied up Snowy. It was self-fulfilling prophesy and she did not resist much as she was prepared for such a day and had not expected anything different from the farmer. She was not sure if she had to feel sorry for her painful end or to feel happy that her prediction about the farmer was proven right. While Fluffy slept sound, Snowy met her end and provided the meat for the family and its guests.

The next morning when Fluffy did not see Snowy around she tried to make sense of the situation. When the children came out to play after their sumptuous breakfast which included choicest parts of Snowy, they were full of remorse. They knew Snowy is missing her companion and maybe even fearful of her own future. So they pursed their lips and gave out no information about Snowy, rather tried to make up by being more playful.

One of the smart kids with a kind heart was not happy with all that was going on. She did not join the other's. She was aloof and was writing something in her note pad. She was worried for Fluffy and wanted to stop what is coming. She waited for the right time during dinner to kick a fuss and deny eating what was on her plate. Convincing by parents only made her more determined about her choice. She made an emotional plea with her parents about the kind of cruelty they were inflicting. 

Her voice must have been feeble, but definitely not fruitless. Other children joined the chorus now and there was mutiny around the dinner table. That night the parents were pushed back and had to take a stand on what would be the fate of Fluffy and other farm animals in the days to come. They decided to find an amiable solution to this situation soon.

Fluffy at the same time is finding it hard to sleep. She is wondering what would have happened to Snowy. She still wants to give the benefit of doubt to the farmer family and feels that Snowy may return soon, while her own future hangs in the hands of those little children and their ability to influence their parents.

By: Lavina Cardoza

  

Man's journey...

Taxi driver Abdul was waiting at the airport. He was asked to pick up John traveling from Gulf to his home town which happened to be the same as that of Abdul's. At a time when there were no phones or mobiles, he used to get his customers from word of moth.

He knew John and it was his duty every two years to receive him at the airport and also to drop him back post his month long vacation. Being worked in Gulf himself as a driver for few years, Abdul was familiar with the hardships behind the exaggerated pictures painted by the Gulf returnees for their family and community during their short stays. Yet, John was different as he had few words and very respectable. There was nothing flashy or inauthentic about him.

Finally, John arrived and Abdul could recognize him from a distance. Once the luggage was placed in the boot, Abdul and John exchanged greetings and a short conversation. Knowing how eager John must be to meet his family, he left him to ponder and take note of the recent developments as they passed by.

Once the car reached the house, Abdul could see the house helpers coming ahead of the family to unload the stuff. It was no surprise to Abdul as usually the women would not show too much eagerness in front of strangers to come forward and greet despite waiting for that moment for months on end. The kids too will have mixed feelings about a stranger who they have to call "Dad" coming to stay for such long period. So, they were hiding and watching this whole thing unfold.

After taking his fare and wishing John happy vacation Abdul left. In all that hurry and excitement, John did not forget to handover a box of chocolates for Abdul's children.

As John's house was on the main road, occasionally Abdul would catch a glimpse of John and salute and move on. He could see every vacation there would be more construction work taking place at John's place. Fresh sand and stones would be brought in and he could see men engaged in either building a compound wall, digging a well, building a toilet etc. As John's wife had her hands full with taking care of the family farm, aged in-laws and the young kids, this was his best way of spending his vacation.

As they say time flies, it was time to drop John at the airport. This time, John was accompanied by his wife and kids and there was chatter and fun. Yet, he could feel how John and his wife may be feeling now that there was the gap of two years till they saw each other. He was glad to have company of John's family on his return trip.

After an hour he could see John's wife come out with the kids. Youngest kid was inconsolable and wanted dad to come back. Abdul kept wondering what magic that serious looking man would have created to get this scared little kid who was hiding on  the day of his arrival, to be so attached. He tried his best telling the kid that he would go back in a few days time and fetch her dad as soon as he gets replenishment's for the chocolates that they so loved. Thank God, the hint of chocolate worked and the kid was soon looking out of the window and counting the trees outside. He could see a sign of relief in John's wife's face from his rare view mirror.

Years have passed......both Abdul and John's families have evolved and after about 40 years from that first incident this second scene is playing out.

Taxi driver Hameed is waiting in his car outside John's house. Hameed is Abdul's son who inherited Abdul's taxi and his profession after Abdul passed away 20 years ago. Hameed too knew John and his family as they were the only service providers for the family over the years. Though number of taxis has increased, John's family was loyal to Abdul's and were preferred over others.

Seeing John's daughters come out with loads of luggage, Hameed got out of the car and went to their veranda to get the luggage. He knew John's daughters who had settled outside and were occasionally visiting home. Hameed would usually pick and drop them to airport or to catch the bus at night. John would sometime accompany them and waited till the bus left. He would take extra care to ensure the safety of his daughters though they were all now grown up and had families of their own. He had remained the same serious man with few words and Hameed would hardly mind it.

Today, for some reason the mood of John's household was sombre. His wife would usually come out and draw Hameed into some conversation. He did not see her. Finally, John came out supported by one of his daughter and his wife followed. Knowing the family for long, Hameed knew something was amiss.

Of lately, John used to be sick and Hameed had accompanied him on his hospital visit to the city. As the family had all daughters Hameed would physically support John in case of difficulty. Somehow there was a silent bond between Hameed and John's family.

In the car, John was accompanied by two of his daughters and rest of the family said good bye to him and they shared the destination. Hameed's heart skipped a beat. He knew the place well, it was just 4 KM from John's house. His mind raced, while he had to focus on the road, he kept wondering why a man like John with resources, house and property of his own and caring children would be heading to a "Old age home". No one spoke in the car. John had a serious face as usual, but was looking more pale could be due to the long time ailments or the dread of having to live in a old age home.

For once, he wanted this journey to last forever. He wanted to defer the time of John's drop off. Car is just a machine and had no feelings and it reached in the usual 15 minutes time. At the Old age home, they were welcomed by people. Stuff was unloaded and moved. Out of curiosity, Hameed accompanied John inside of the institution.

For a change, he felt peaceful in the clean, green and serene environment of the institution. It was a paid facility and John had a nice big room with attached bathroom and toilet for himself. John's daughters quickly started arranging his room. Hameed finally asked John if he would be living here for now. John nodded and said this is the best the family could think of as his condition required constant care and hospitalization. As his wife had a delicate health condition and children had their career and families to care for in the distant cities, he would be looked after well in this facility. He could rest, do his prayers and get 24/7 medical care. This comforted Hameed and he left the room for John to settle in fully.

Outside, he was offered tea and snacks and could see several old people engaged in their own activities, some were enjoying in the garden, some were in the chapel praying and few were sitting and chatting. He saw the in-charge of the centre entering John's room and he could hear laughter and the environment change completely.

Sitting on the bench outside, Hameed kept at his thinking. When he was given the destination, he had felt bad for John yet now after seeing all this he felt this place may be better for John. He said a silent prayer for John to get the best services in this new place and recover. John's daughters approaching steps woke him up and he opened the door for them.

On the way back he could see tears rolling down the cheeks of John's daughters yet no word was spoken between them. He knew this decision must have been tough for them. Yet, he was not happy. He kept thinking what would have been the best solution for a man like John who toiled for his family in the faraway Gulf....finally they arrived at John's house. He had no courage left to face anyone of John's family at this point and left taking his fare quickly.

Human Energy, the most powerful yet least valued!

Just back from a get together of 70 most charming fellow trainers within my work context. The energy that we created during the two days was unlimited yet non measurable. We all could feel it, it moved us, made us bond, laugh, dance and do unimaginable things which we would dread doing alone. It re-charged our brains, activated our bodies and enlarged our smiles. Our inhibitions were gone and we were in a zone where we felt comfortable with ourselves and those around us.

This makes me think that human energy is the most powerful yet least valued. We are yet to invent an instrument for measuring it. It is tough to explain and can only be felt.

While the world is currently talking about energy deficits, non-renewable energy sources getting depleted, can we not capitalize on this source of energy. This one is very much within our reach, does not require any technology and can help us in so many ways.

I believe that we humans are the source of world problems and also its solvers. Does it no reflect the duplicity and contradictions within our own race? How can we all be united for a cause? Imagine the amount of energy we would create if all of us resolve on something. Unfortunately, we as humans could never agree on one thing. Mahatma had enemies and Mother Theresa too, which shows that as humans what each one of us want is different.

In this quest, we see in our daily lives one person trying to cover a hole while the other one starts digging at the same place. Precious human energy gets lost in this process. What could be some ideas under which we all can unite as one big family and cooperate with each other irrespective of our geographical location, race, gender, religion and economic condition.

We cannot answer this question collectively. Each person has to answer this individually for themselves. While a poor laborer tries to earn his/her livelihood, the employer may be cutting corners by paying low wages and depriving of worker rights. In the bargain the laborer may be trying to cheat on work productivity and not following the set rules. This leads to the eternal chicken and egg question of what started first....the cheating by employer or by the laborer. At some point this blame game has to stop and each one has to start fresh.

Similarly the consumer is looking for cheap products and to meet this need the producer is cutting corners on ingredients by using pesticides, over usage of environment etc. Society is admiring rich and the powerful, hence most members of society are trying to reach that space by using unfair means. Poor are looking for a space to settle down in crowded cities and the middlemen are collecting money by giving them filthy illegal spaces to occupy and making those spaces even more polluted as they do not take responsibility for providing basic amenities.

We are constantly caught in this quagmire. While underneath, what we all want is same; a world with peace, prosperity and harmony for us and our next generations. How can some of us be so short sighted and take shortcuts?

And the reason why some of us take shortcuts is to gain riches, to earn more money and become Billionaires, a standard set and upheld by us collectively. Are we not guilty of a system that we have created? Yet, as a firm believer in human energy, I dream of a world where we can harness it for common good. Are you willing to take the first step?

Self Development: Cosmopolitan Park 6 PM

Self Development: Cosmopolitan Park 6 PM: Cosmopolitan Park @ 6 PM I am part of the cosmopolitan population for the past 20 years. Coming from a village where the entire commun...

Cosmopolitan Park 6 PM

Cosmopolitan Park @ 6 PM

I am part of the cosmopolitan population for the past 20 years. Coming from a village where the entire community was like one big family sort of culture, I am still trying to establish my identity within the fluid community life here. That makes me think ...... have I really made any conscious efforts to be part of the community or happy to be the invisible entity?

Thanks to urban authorities, we have a small space with green patch, landscaping, children's play area and benches for people to relax after a busy day. I see more of kids, their caretakers mostly women and also retired people on most occasions. Seldom I see young professionals like me. Mostly they focus on fitness and walks with their ears plugged with calls or music. Each one brushing shoulders with the other, without the exchange of a smile or a word.

Today as I sit on the usual bench and observe all these activities, I have the special gift of reading the minds and this is what I gathered:

A woman in her 40's using the gym equipment was busy thinking about the office politics and how the boss is favoring a certain colleague and how she could score her brownie points the next time there is a meeting. Right opposite, on the bench there was a man in his 40's, whose young child was busy playing with peers in the play area, engrossed in his thoughts. He was recalling the best days when he had a job at hand at a reputed company and how his plotting and politicking landed him jobless today.

I shifted my focus on the lady who was walking at a fast pace on a call with ear phones. I could overhear her conversation complaining how the mother in law is plotting and making her look bad in front of her husband and creating a rift in the family. She was furious and was seeking advise for delivering a fitting response.

Not far from the walkway, inside the meditation hut was another woman in deep reflection. While her kid played heartily, she had regret written all over her face. She was recalling how she had to quit her job and take care of her kid and the household chores all because her mother in law relocated to her native place fed up of the misunderstanding. She was reflecting on the factors that made her say those nasty things and make allegations about the mother in law after having long phone conversations with her friends and siblings.

I could not help but notice the giggling of a young couple, deeply in love and trying to be as proximate as possible within the social norms of the metropolitan park. Their giggling brought a mix of joy, envy and disgust to the audience, it least affected the happy couple. I spotted a familiar young girl entering the park. For a change she was not accompanied by the usual young man in whose company she used to forget the time and place. Rather, she had earphones on, playing some sad melodies of 80's.

Security guard was chasing away some of the underprivileged kids from neighboring construction worker basti's as he did not want them to create nuisance and tarnish the image of the park as a place for so called "Decent crowd". Retired Army uncle was walking his dog and discussing the special diet requirement of his dear "Jimmy" (the dog) with his neighbor.

Two young mothers with toddlers were exchanging their house maid woes while a lady in her seventies chanting with the beads and thinking about the loss of her near perfect maid to domestic violence.

Two boys were fighting over the toys they were playing with, while in a corner a young girl was upset about her friend's over strict mother not letting them play together as exams were approaching.

Young father who came to pick up his kid was busy giving instructions to an assistant on an important project. His official work was not over yet. He had the flexibility of working from anywhere which also meant he had a 24/7 schedule causing rift in his marital life. Overhearing the conversation of this executive, the man on the bench with recent job loss, was reminded of his own days at the corporate where he too had felt indispensable and done 24/7 service only to be fired without notice later.

Feeling tired with my powers to read minds, I decided to focus on the nature instead. Two birds on a nearby tree were chatting happily. Droves of parrots were flying back after a good days feeding on the pods of 'flame of forest' trees. Gentle breeze was caressing my hair and making me feel relaxed. Flowers on the plants around me were saying good bye to their life and some lucky ones with the hope of blooming again the next morning. Finally with the mindfulness, I had found what I was looking for and walked towards my nest with the hopes of creating an identity for myself soon.

Love blooms & fades within contexts

Love blooms & fades within contexts

Human beings require air, water and food to survive is a fact known to all.

In addition, "humans are social beings". Relationships, love and affection make us flourish while the opposite makes us lose interest in living.

Imagine a world where a human lives without a name, title or possession. It is almost impossible. Every new born member of our society is given a name, surname and identity is officially proven. As the new born grows, society provides opportunities for it to enlarge the identity through an education, career, family, friends group etc. We all have lived that way and reached where we are. We have our own identities and social circles to which we belong. Upward mobility is always aspired for while any downward trends are frowned upon and automatically affects our self-esteem. 

Now, I am referring to how love and relationships get built within a specific context. When we make friends, we do look at their profiles. Sometimes it is difficult to trace whether friendship happened first or the profile match. We make conscious decisions, rational choices in terms of whom to fall in love with, whom to befriend and whom to ignore. Sometimes we have heard two persons with nothing in common fall in love and get married and we say love is blind. However, once that strong attraction or attachment breaks, even the so called loving couple starts wondering what just happened.

We have also seen attraction between people stem because of social status, money, power, designations, physical attraction etc. We are also witness to such attractions fall apart when the persons who represented these very qualities lose them at a later stage due to any reasons. Few who continue to be still in love are considered special or super humans. 

Reflecting back on life, I too feel played by such identities. I would prefer to make some assumptions here rather than conclude as life keeps evolving every minute and there is nothing certain here.

When a friend confided in me saying when she chose her life partner, the social and professional circle to which he belonged made a big difference. She did not realize it while she made her decisions, rather it struck her when she was no more attracted to him when he was out of that social and professional circle. 

Experiencing and hearing of several such incidents, I was introspecting on the power of relationships and I coined this quote,  "Love blooms and fades within contexts". 

Next time when you get attracted to someone in power, keep asking yourself is this the person or the person's identity that you are falling for. Can you really love a person without considering the context of that person. Is this a good thing or is it manipulative? Is there ever something called as true love/ pure love? Are we all not calculative and take measured risks and look for higher and better returns on our energy investment? I think it is Management. And management is not a bad word at all. What do you say?

Enjoy the Journey!

Recently I had to take a trip to my native place in Mangalore from Bangalore which is about 350 KM by road. The route through Western Ghats is beautiful if you are traveling during day time. I had taken the night bus and the heavy rains for the past months had worsened the road condition.

I could hardly sleep due to the wobbling and honking. Though I was very familiar with this route, at one point, I could not hold my curiosity and got up and looked out of the window. It was dark  and I could see the shadows of tall trees. Though the road was hardly visible, I could assess the condition by the way the bus was moving. With heavy rains, bad roads and poor visibility, the driver was doing his best to prevent any accident. Added to that the narrow winding roads were dense with heavy vehicle traffic.

Being behind the wheels for a few years now, I could empathize with the driver. I too sent out a silent prayer for our safe journey, which usually I would take it for granted. The task was mammoth for the driver. Then my attention shifted from the road and the commotion around me to the sound and speed with which I could gauge the temperament of the driver. Sitting at the back, I had no clue about the driver.  I was sure it was he because female drivers on a night bus was not a common sight on these routes.

What I could gauge from the driving style was that the driver was practicing utmost patience and care while navigating this tough road. He was controlling speed, trying to be under control within extent possible and cautioning other's by honking about his presence. Yet, whenever he would find that brief patch of good road, he would quickly change his pace and use his natural pace of smooth & speed driving and I could say he truly enjoyed that stretch....yet within a few minutes the road would once more change its characteristics and pose the previous challenge, once more forcing him to get back to his cautious mode.

Yet, I felt he was comfortable with both modes.  He accepted both types of roads and situations equally welcoming and had no qualms about driving on them. It is almost like he had no preferences. He was ready for all types of challenges and was doing his best to do a perfect job in both conditions. There was a kind of serenity in what he did.

My thoughts moved back to life in general. We all have to cross paths that are smooth as well as rugged and challenging. There are some of us, who have developed preference to the smooth roads and the moment we find the rugged roads, we start cursing, swearing, hating and wanting to get out of that stretch as fast as possible. That affects the quality of our driving. It affects those who we have agreed to ferry with us. It affects the quality of life of them too. Yet there are those who accept all types of roads, try to do their best at both. No preferences what so ever. The fact that they have made the choice of driving, they take it as a given that the roads ought to be challenging sometime and are willing to show same amount of skill, restraint and patience to make the journey for themselves and those around them smooth and safe.

Happiness belongs with those like the driver in that bus. I said a silent prayer of gratitude for having such a wonderful driver that night. I wish his tribe grows!

What's common about gadgets and spouses?

Today gadgets rule our lives and have become the center of our lives. We cannot imagine our lives without them. They are inseparable parts of our lives whether we like it or not.

I can draw a parallel to gadgets and our spouses. The process of getting familiar is somewhat similar. When you get a new gadget, you do not understand its operating system. Thank God, the gadgets come with user manuals, due to which, those of us who are user manual friendly can take the time to read, understand and operate the gadget effectively.

Those of us allergic to user manuals (like me) or impatient to go through the instructions learn it the hard way. We follow trial and error methods, lose our cool, blame the developer and several times in the process cause the gadget to malfunction. We even do not accept that the malfunctioning is due to our own rough handling. We continue to blame the gadget. In the process we have a broken gadget. Trial and error method does work in the end and by the time we get familiar with the operating systems and modalities, our gadget is damaged or disfigured and we live with it, though not happily ever after.....

Unlike the gadgets, our spouses don't come with User Manuals and we have to learn the operating systems somehow. So we start the hard way. Trial and error, losing patience. Blaming, causing malfunction. Finally when we learn to deal with each other, we have already caused enough emotional distraught and heart aches that we have nothing to give each other. We live the life of compromise and dream someday we can purchase a new gadget and live happily ever after....

My first Konkani post on this blog

"ಅಡಿ ತೂದು ಮುಡಿ ದೆರ್ಪೊಡ್"

ಮುಜಿ ಮಮ್ಮಿ ಆದ್ಲ್ಯಾ ಕಾಲೆತಿಚಿ। ತಿಚ್ಯಾ ಪ್ರಕಾರ್ ಪೊಯ್ಶೆ ಆಸ್ಚೆ ಉರೊ೦ವ್ಕ್  । ತೆ ಜೊಮೊವ್ನ್ ದವರ್ನ್ ಬ್ಯಾಂಕಾಂತ್ ಫಿಕ್ಸಾರ್ ಘಾಲುಂಕ್ ।  ಪೊಯ್ಶೆ  ಖರ್ಚು೦ವ್ಚೆ ಮುಳ್ಯಾರ್ ತಿಕ "ಸುಣ್ಯಾಕ್ ಉದ್ಕಕ್ ಲೊಟುನ್ ಘಾಲ್ಲ್ಯಾ ಬರಿಂ" । ಆಮಿ ಜೊಡುಂಕ್ ಶಿಕ್ಲ್ಲ್ಯಾ  ದಿಸಾ ಥಾವ್ನ್ ತಿಚಿ ಎಕೆಚ್ಚ್  ಜಾಗ್ವಣ್ , "ಪೊಯ್ಶೆ ವಾಟೆರ್ ಗಲಿನಾಕಾತ್"।

ಹರ್ಯೆಕಾ ಫೋನ್ ಕಾಲಚೇರಿ ಆಮ್ಚಿ ಖಬರ್ ವಿಚಾರ್ತನ ಕೈಂತರಿ  ಗರ್ಜ್ ನಾತ್ಲ್ಲೊ ಖರ್ಚ್ ಖರ್ಚಿ ಖೊಬರ್ ಆಯ್ಕಾಲ್ಯಾರ್ , ನೆಕ್ಸ್ಟ್ 10 ಮಿನುಟಾ೦ ಪೊಯ್ಶೆ ಉರೊವ್ನ್ಚ್ಯ ವಿಶಿಂ Airtel ಚೊ ಟಾಕ್ ಟೈಮ್ ವೇಸ್ಟ್ ಕರುನ್ ಸಲಹಾ ದಿತಾಲಿ।
ದೆಕುನ್೦ಚ್ ಆಮಿ ಗಜಾಲಿ ಫಿಲ್ಟರ್ ಕರುನ್ ತಿಕ ಪಾವಯ್ತಾಲ್ಯ೦ವ್ । ಉದಾ: ಮಾಲ೦ತ್ ಬೊಸೊನ್ ಫಿಲ್ಮ್ ಪಳಯ್ತನ ತಿಚೊ ಕಾಲ್ ಆಯ್ಲ್ಯಾರ್ ಭಾಯ್ರ್ ಪಾರ್ಕಂತ್ ಆಸಾಂ ಮುಣ್ ಜವಾಬ್ ದಿತಲ್ಯಾ೦ವ್।  ಹೊಟ್ಲಾಚೆ೦ ಜೆವಾಣ್ ಜೇವ್ಥನ ಕಾಲ್ ಆಯ್ಲ್ಯಾರ್ ಶಿತ್ ಆನಿ೦ ಸಾರ್ ಕೆಲ್ಲೊ ಮುಣ್  ಜವಾಬ್ ದಿತಲ್ಯಾ೦ವ್।

ತಿ ಮಾತ್ರ್ ಆಮಿ ದಾಡ್ಚೆ ಪೊಯ್ಶೆ ಭಾರಿಚ್ಚ್ ಜಾಗ್ರುತೆನ್ ಖರ್ಚಿತಾಲಿ। ಹರ್ಯೆಕಾ ವೊಸ್ತುಚೆ೦ ಮೋಲ್ ಪಾರ್ಕಿತಾಲಿ ಆನಿ ಗರ್ಜ್ ಆಸ್ಲ್ಯಾರ್ ಮಾತ್ರ್ ಘೆತಲಿ।

"ಅಡಿ ತೂದು ಮುಡಿ ದೆರ್ಪೊಡ್" ಮುಣ್ಚ್ಚ್ಚಿ ತಿಚಿ ಬೂದ್ ಬಾಳ್ ಕಿತ್ಲಿ ಔಟ್ ಆಫ್ ಡೇಟ್ ಜಾಲ್ಯಾ ಮುಣ್ ತಿಕ ಕಶೆ೦ ಸಂಗ್ಚೆ೦?  ಸಾ೦ಗ್ಲ್ಯಾರ್ ಜಗ್ಡ್ಯಾಕ್ ಕಾರಣ್। ಆಮಿ ಸರ್ವ೦ ಘರ್, ಕಾರ್ , ಟಿವಿ ಸರ್ವ್ EMI ಚೆರ್ ಗೇ೦ವ್ಚ್ಯಾ ಜನರೇಶನಚಿ೦ ಮುಣ್ ತಿಕ ಕಶೆ೦ ಕಳಿತ್? EMI ಆಮ್ಕಾ೦ ಆಮ್ಚ್ಯಾ ಥಾಂಕಿ ಭಯ್ಲ್ಯೊ ವಸ್ತು ಏಕ ಖಿಣಾ ಭಿತರ್ ಆಪ್ಣಾ೦ವ್ನ್ಕ್ ಮಜತ್ ಕರ್ತನ ತಿಚಿ ಬೂದ್ ಬಾಳ್ ಅಮ್ಕಾ೦ ನಟ್ವನಾತ್ಲ್ಲಿ। ಕ್ರೆಡಿಟ್ ಕಾರ್ಡ್ ಆಸ್ಲ್ಲ್ಯಾನ್ ಹರ್ಯೆಕಾ ಮಹಿನ್ಯಾ೦ತ್  ಯೆ೦ವ್ಚ್ಯಾ ಸಾ೦ಬಾಳಾಂತ್ ಆದ್ಲ್ಯಾ ಮೊಹಿನ್ಯಾ೦ತ್ ಕೆಲ್ಲೊ ಖರ್ಚ್ ಪಾಟಿ೦ ಭೂರು೦ಕ್  ಆನಿ೦ EMI ದಿತಾನಾ ಕಿತೆ೦ಚ್ ಉರಾನಾತ್ಲ್೦।

ಖ೦ಚಾಯ್ ಮಹಿನ್ಯಾ೦ತ್ ಸಾಂಬಾಳ್ ಏ೦ವ್ಕ್  ತಡವ್ ಜಾಲ್ಯಾರ್ ಮಾತ್ರ್ ಮಮ್ಮಿಚ್ಯಾ ಜಾಗ್ವಣೆಚೊ ಉಡಾಸ್ ಯೆತಾಲೊ ಆನಿ೦ ತಿಣೆ೦ ಸಾಂಗ್ಲ್ಲೆಂ ಸತ್ ಮುಣ್ ಬೊಗ್ತಾಲೆಂ। ಪುಣ್ ಆಮಿ ಆಮ್ಚ್ಯಾ ಸಿದ್ಧಾಂಥ೦ಚ್ಯಾ ವಾಟೆರ್ ಭೋವ್ ಪೊಯ್ಸ್ ಪಾವ್ಲ್ಲ್ಯಾನ್ ಪಾಟಿಂ ಯೆವ್ಣ್ಚೆ೦ ತಿತ್ಲೇ೦ ಸಲೀಸ್ ನಾತ್ಲೇ೦। ಪರತ್ ಸಾಂಬಾಳ್ ಯೆತಾಲೊ ಆನಿ೦ ತತ್ಕಾಳಿಕ್ ಆಡ್ಚನ್ ನಿವಾರ್ತೆಲಿ ಆನಿ೦ ಪರತ್ ವಸ್ತು೦ಚಿ೦ ಇಸ್ತಿಹಾರ೦ ಆಪೊಯ್ತಾಲಿ೦। ಆನಿ೦ ಪರತ್ EMI ಚ್ಯಾ ವೇ೦ಗೆ೦ತ್ ಮಾಕಾ ಲೊಡ್ತಲಿ೦!

ಮಮ್ಮಿಚಿ ಬೂದ್ ಬಾಳ್ ಸಾರ್ಕಿ ಮುಣ್ ದಿಸ್ಲ್ಯಾರಿ ಆತ೦ಚ್ಯಾ ಕಾಳ ಪ್ರಕಾರ್ ಚಲ್ಚಿ ವೊಡ್ನಿ  ಆಸ್ ಲ್ಲಿ। ಬೊರಯೊ ಬೊರಯೊ ವಸ್ತು ಮುಜ್ಯಾ ಘರೀ೦ ಆಯಿಲ್ಲ್ಯೊ। ದೆವಾನ್ ದಯಾ ದಾಕಯ್ಲ್ಯಾರ್, ಕಾಮ್ ಬೊರೆಂ ಆಸ್ಲ್ಯಾರ್, ಯೋಜನ್ ಸರ್ಕೆ೦ ಕೆಲ್ಯಾರ್ ಮುಜ್ಯಾ  ವಾಟಾನಿ೦ ಕಿತೆ೦ಚ್ ವಾಯ್ಟ್ ನಾತ್ಲ್ಲೆ೦ । ಪುಣ್ ಮಮ್ಮಿಕ್ ತ್ಯಾ ವಿಷ್ಯ೦ತ್ ಸಮ್ಜ೦ವ್ಚಿ ಗರ್ಜಯೀ ನಾತ್ಲ್ಲಿ। ತಿ ಮುಜ್ಯಾ ವಾಟೆಕ್ ಯೇನ ಹಾ೦ವ್ ತಿಚ್ಯಾ ವಾಟೆಕ್ ವಚನ ಮುಣ್ತಾನಾ ಗರ್ಜೆಕ್ ಪೊಟಿ ಮರ್ಯೆತ್ ಮುಣ್ ಮಾಕಾ ಬೊಗ್ತಾಲೆ೦। ತುಮಿ ಕಿತೆ೦ ಮುಣ್ತಾತ್ ?










  

Are you a giver or a taker? | Adam Grant

My favorite poem collection

Lesson from Neem Flowers

I was standing outside my house pondering about something. There was neem tree and the ground was filled with its flowers, cream in color, small but bright hundreds  of them covered the floor like a beautiful carpet. When wind blew, the flowers were swept away. Then they would settle in a new place for a while until another strong wind carried them away.

The flowers had no worries. They looked happy as were floating by continuously. What is that so different from me and those flowers? I had a strong stand. I had planned everything and want everything to go according to that plan. If anything goes wrong, I would get upset.

But those flowers have no plans. Wind decides where they should be. They do not settle down in one place. They do not get attached to things around, as they have to be continuously on the move. They know they were in a place temporarily and they have to move soon. Maybe they were always expecting a wind. They had no say in choosing the place or time.

Was there a revolution among the flowers to stop the wind? Hardly. They were moving around without a resistance.

Is this a better approach to human life too?

Home sweet home

When does a house become home?

Recently I was moving to my new home and I underwent series of emotional and spiritual awakening with this move.

When you move into a house, it is just four walls, floor and ceiling with some basic amenities. But you set it up with all the necessary furniture, comforts and things that make the place livable. Daily you undertake tasks to keep that place cozy, comfortable and clean. As long as you live there, you call it home, create memories of togetherness, love and safety. This home becomes part of your life, your comfort, safety and joy. If anything is missing, changes its place, you take note and make the required changes till you feel comfortable in that arrangements. You fall in love with everything in it, you love the space inside and out, you love the neighborhood, shops, roads, gardens. You get to know people, you create your identity and life around it. It almost becomes inseparable from you.

But when time comes to leave a place, if you are on rent and you have to move or got a transfer and got to move, reasons can be many, but reactions and pain all of us undergo is the same.

Month before the shifting, you start taking note of the house and every thing in it. You start feeling the loss and be grateful for the comfort and safety it provided. While you know there are things that you will be able to move with you and those you cannot. You start loving those you cannot move much. You feel that those lifeless things too could feel the pain you are feeling and if they were to express, they would hug you and say they will miss you and they enjoyed your company or the other way round. Over the years you have developed attachment to the toilet seat, the sink, the mirror, the towel rod, cupboards everything that provided you comfort and you want to bow and say Thank you to each of those items. In this life again, you are not going to come back and meet them again. You feel emotionally heavy. Yet you have no other choice but to feel the gratitude and express it.

The neighborhood, the shops, the roads, the gardens, trees all of those that made you feel a part of them, rather you felt a part of them. In few days they will not be the most frequented. You are going to keep a distance though not intentionally. It is not practical to visit your old neighborhood daily. Sometimes you may come back and feel still a part of it and familiar with them, yet you know you no more belong there.

As women who get married and move homes it may be so familiar experience for us. We all undergo this. We know it is the only reality, parting has to be there to move somewhere better. We can't get attached to things and homes because ultimately we have to move, even out of this world into a new and unknown place. But till the time we are here, we got to love what we have.

Once you shift all your belongings out of that four walls which you called home, it no more holds the key to you happiness. It is just four walls and has no special appeal. You have the gratefulness that it sheltered and protected you all these years, but you cannot relate to it anymore in the same way you did when your belongings were in it. It is no more attractive, no more usable. It is just a memory of those beautiful times you had and gratefulness and nothing more.

Now, I can relate this to human body as well. Till the life is there, breath is there it is like that home with all your belongings and the day you stop breathing, it is the same feeling as the home being left with four walls. What remains is the beautiful memory and gratefulness. Maybe someone else can occupy the house that you left behind and set it up as their home and create beautiful memories for them...till they too move on!

This Mother's Day, let us go beyond 'stereotypes'

Yes, it is Mother's Day again and time to remember all the mother's who have been greatest contributors to our lives. If any of us are in this world, means there is or was a mother in our lives. She may or may not have been that perfect 'motherly figure'. If she was/is then you are truly lucky and I am glad most of us are.

Let me tell you, I am not against celebrating mother's day. It is a very good gesture and I am glad a day has been dedicated for this special person in our lives. But it is time to think beyond the usual 'stereotypes' of a mother. When I say 'stereotype' the usual larger than life image created about a mother with words like 'self-sacrificing', 'ocean of strength', 'ever available', 'puts self last after serving others' etc.

I am thinking of those few mother's who may have fallen short in playing the role of a mother. I think of the mother's with mental illness, mother's who had to give up their children for adoption due to life's circumstances, those who are addicts etc.

I am reminded of a dialogue in a Hindi film 'Dhamaal' wherein actors Ashish Chaudhary and Asrani motivate a drunk and sleeping pilot to fly them to Goa. When they put on the music, the first song in the list is about mother's love, it enrages the pilot as he is reminded of the negative experiences in his childhood. Though it was a hilarious scene, it reflects the reality of those few people who have not experienced the love of their mother. There are lots of children for whom the word 'Mother' may bring up adverse feelings.

While the expectations of the 'ideal mother' are scary especially in the Indian context, there are also few mother's whose actions have scarred the lives of their children. Consciously or unconsciously, due to circumstances or due to own choices the children have undergone pain and rejection.
During my work with orphan and vulnerable children, children born with HIV, children of sex worker's I have come across children who undergo emotional pain and struggle to come to terms with life as they feel let down by their mother's. This may be a real issue or of perception as I also know several such mother's (e.g. HIV positive or women in sex work) who put their lives on line and work the hardest for the sake of their children! I salute their efforts and truly wish these mother's experience love this mother's day.

To all such children (who may be grown up now) I want to say, 'Yes it was a tough phase as you did not have a normal upbringing, but this mother's day may you find peace and forgive your mother for her shortcomings as it will personally liberate you.

Happy Mother's Day!