This Mother's Day, let us go beyond 'stereotypes'

Yes, it is Mother's Day again and time to remember all the mother's who have been greatest contributors to our lives. If any of us are in this world, means there is or was a mother in our lives. She may or may not have been that perfect 'motherly figure'. If she was/is then you are truly lucky and I am glad most of us are.

Let me tell you, I am not against celebrating mother's day. It is a very good gesture and I am glad a day has been dedicated for this special person in our lives. But it is time to think beyond the usual 'stereotypes' of a mother. When I say 'stereotype' the usual larger than life image created about a mother with words like 'self-sacrificing', 'ocean of strength', 'ever available', 'puts self last after serving others' etc.

I am thinking of those few mother's who may have fallen short in playing the role of a mother. I think of the mother's with mental illness, mother's who had to give up their children for adoption due to life's circumstances, those who are addicts etc.

I am reminded of a dialogue in a Hindi film 'Dhamaal' wherein actors Ashish Chaudhary and Asrani motivate a drunk and sleeping pilot to fly them to Goa. When they put on the music, the first song in the list is about mother's love, it enrages the pilot as he is reminded of the negative experiences in his childhood. Though it was a hilarious scene, it reflects the reality of those few people who have not experienced the love of their mother. There are lots of children for whom the word 'Mother' may bring up adverse feelings.

While the expectations of the 'ideal mother' are scary especially in the Indian context, there are also few mother's whose actions have scarred the lives of their children. Consciously or unconsciously, due to circumstances or due to own choices the children have undergone pain and rejection.
During my work with orphan and vulnerable children, children born with HIV, children of sex worker's I have come across children who undergo emotional pain and struggle to come to terms with life as they feel let down by their mother's. This may be a real issue or of perception as I also know several such mother's (e.g. HIV positive or women in sex work) who put their lives on line and work the hardest for the sake of their children! I salute their efforts and truly wish these mother's experience love this mother's day.

To all such children (who may be grown up now) I want to say, 'Yes it was a tough phase as you did not have a normal upbringing, but this mother's day may you find peace and forgive your mother for her shortcomings as it will personally liberate you.

Happy Mother's Day!

Leadership Lessons from Mahatma Gandhi

Gandhiji was not a born leader!

He did not have a vision of becoming a leader or a 'Mahatma' in his childhood.

If we read his biography “My experiment with Truth", we see young Mohandas as ordinary as any one of us,  but the difference is that he was constantly shaping himself. As he quotes, “Infinite striving to be the best is man’s duty. It is its own reward, everything else is in God’s hands”

His focus was on ‘Self’, he developed moral strength, principles and values such as “Truth”, “Simplicity”, “Humility”, “Peace & Harmony”, “Hard work”, “Respect for every living being”.

Because of the kind of person he became, he could not close his eyes to the injustice that was happening around him, be it in South Africa or in India. With the purity of his nature and courage to stand by the truth, he rose to the occasion and was 'accepted as leader'.

There is a difference! He did not become leader, but he was accepted as a leader. He did not represent any position, but his life was an example for his followers. As his own quote says, “I suppose leadership at one time meant muscles, but today it means getting along with people”. So his whole effort was in relating to people, becoming one among them. We all know how he did this.

He also said “One ounce of practice is worth more than tons of preaching”

So as he said “My life is my message” is very apt as a leader.

Yet again he says, “Power is of two kinds, one that is obtained by fear of punishment and other by acts of love and he puts the later at higher value”

So, we all know what has been his achievement as a leader. Let us look at how we can adapt from his leadership style.

1.    Focus on principles, values and shape yourself first. That is the foundation

2.    Self-reflection and self-correction (Highest court of justice is “Conscience”)

3.    Demonstrate your values, principles in your life at home, at work

4.    Take courage, speak up when you know something is not right. Rest will follow

5.    Learn to get along with people. Focus on power that comes from acts of love not by authority.

By: Lavina Cardoza

The author is a development sector professional with focus on training and development. Women’s empowerment is area of special interest to her.

You are such a piece of shit…!

If you got offended with the caption, read on to find out the context and the truth…..

Recently I was on a flight from Pune to Bangalore and happened to sit next to a young lady. As usual I picked up my book and started reading. I could not focus on it as the conversation between this young woman and the man sitting next to her was distracting (rather making me furious)! Now don’t mistake me. I am not the type to mind other's business, but this one was very unusual.

From their conversations I could figure out that they both worked in the same office and the young man could be the boss. The guy kept calling the lady “Oh…you are such a piece of shit”. If I were to count the number of times he repeated that sentence till we reached Bangalore, his name will be entered in Guinness World Record!

Now what intrigued me was not his ability to repeat, but the attitude of the female at whom it was directed. Every time he said that, she giggled and said something sheepish to avoid him. The more she did that, the guy got encouraged. Their conversation circled around some office politics and in between the pauses the guy repeating “oh you are a ….”.

Not just that, he would pat on her thighs and also comment how fat she is and how ugly she is becoming. Being a trainer and having dealt with the topic of Sexual harassment at workplace, I knew the woman could sue that guy if she wanted. But what was going on was with the full approval and amusement of the woman. How long could this lady tolerate such a guy, who had nothing sensible to say. Every statement of his was directed at demeaning the lady and he was slowly reducing the self-worth of that lady.

I know what you are thinking…you may argue that the lady is quite strong because she is not reacting. She is not giving a damn to what he is saying. But is it? Does she really need to take this? Why is she acting so dumb? Can’t she express her displeasure more assertively? What is her upbringing? She looked like someone well educated. She had the right sense of fashion. Why was she not objecting to what the guy was saying? I could feel that it would have a strong impact on her sub-conscious mind. She may act as if she does not care, but deep down it will impact her. Is there a need to put up with such a relationship?

Is she scared that she may be fired at her job? Is she feeling great that she is close to boss even if it comes at a price? Does she not know her rights? Is she thinking that it is part of the bargain? Is she overwhelmed with winning the friendship of her boss that she can overlook his subtle insults? I had no answers.

Now I do not want to put the entire blame on that lady for tolerating this. What about the upbringing of that man? Was he taught that bringing down someone’s self-esteem will help build his own? Does he think that his position as a “boss”, as a “Male” offers him the immunity? Does this kind of an attitude provide him the real happiness and respect in the long run?

By: Lavina Cardoza

The author is a development sector professional with focus on training and development. Women’s empowerment is area of special interest to her.